back to HXOS
i was reading back over "HXOS" and i was shocked by two unbeknownst (to me) things:
1.) i was more deeply depressed than i had even realized...which is saying a lot.
2.) i am a good writer. or was.
i actually miss HXOS. i miss the girl who wrote there. even if she was dark and sad and very angry and very lonely...she is a part of me. or was. and i kind of liked her. she was dramatic and sensual and strange. she was Los Angeles. she was Youth. she was Thanatos. she was a flash of blood in the night.
in a lot of ways i want to...
not being in school has killed my desire to write. i think that when you're in school, you're constantly being forced to produce. you write constantly, even if it's only lecture notes. you produce and produce and produce. and any extracurricular writing is undoubtably an outgrowth of that productivity level. but i'm not in school and i am not producing. and i'm not writing.
and the meds stopped working. fancy that. they still work in the sense that they produce hallucinations---visual and auditory---and vertigo and bizarre dreams. but other than that, the pills aren't working. ...
hey ya, hey ya...my ex is back
Erin called the other day. i've been debating whether or not i want to have a relationship with her again. obviously, i enjoyed having a girlfriend again; it had been over a year since my last girlfriend before Erin came along.
i find women intensely attractive and enjoy being intimate with them. and Erin is really quite beautiful. long, thick black hair. big green eyes. curves. oh god, the curves. big, full lips. a shorty---though, most women are shorter than me. i'm freakin' tall.
and i miss sex with her. i miss the way she smells.
but...i just don't know if...
fucked up dreams and a chance at sexy points!
i think the best side effect of celexa, for me, is the strange dreams.
it is listed as a "rare" side effect, occuring in less than 1% of patients taking prescription citalopram hydrobromide.
boy, is it fun. my dreams, which were always relatively vivid and colorful to begin with, are now just insanely vivid. and bizarre. so bizarre, in fact, that it's actually impossible to describe them in writing---or any other way. all i can say is, they've taken on this pleasant, hypersurreal quality...like a dali painting, but animated and on a mind-fucked, psycho-trip courtesy of...