It Seems It's Always The Crazy Times You Find You Wake Up and Realize...
It's weird how I always come back to this in times like these.
I'm back in a similar situation again. The same person. Different happenings.
It's all so different this time that I want to believe that it's good. Yet I don't see how that can be, especially since I am once again screwing up something that I knew to be so good.
Why is it like this? Why is it so similar, and yet different enough to convince me that it will be different?
Do I have to keep playing this game until December when a little more of something is known?
Life entertains me no matter how incredibly confusing it...
Keep on burning through the noose.
To seek living life and not controlling it.
To understand that life happens, and I cannot write my exact future.
My free will exists, but so does the free will of everyone else, and I must
learn to let the two coincide.
I have tried for far too long to plan out my future and force a certain outcome,
but it has always ended in failure. It's never just as I thought it should be.
So, to seek to solely live my life and not control.
That's my new goal.
I will stick to my morals. I will hold on to my beliefs, my virtues.
And yet, I will let life happen. I will not let it happen to me. No, there...
Sooner or later...
I act like it no longer bothers me. I act like I'm doing just fine.
And honestly, I have myself convinced. I'm doing a great job of acting.
I don't even know that I'm not.
Well, wait. I take that back. I know that there is something up, but I haven't
identified it as being something in this realm of things, the realm of things that were
going on a month ago.
It was a month ago.
It does seem like it was forever ago, but a month? I don't know. I just don't know
He and I "talked things through." Well, not really. I cornered him in a way I shouldn't have.
I put him on the spot and made him feel...
Don't leave me high...don't leave me dry...
I somehow convinced myself that I would be okay.
I want to know what it is about me that always brings me into these situations. Is it my hope? Is it my absolute hope that maybe something will end up turning out how I want it to? There's always the chance that this was meant to tell me something, but because of my wish to feel that right now, right away, I cannot see how that is. I feel nothing towards what I think it could be telling me...and so much towards what I want it to be. Because of how and when it all happened, I could have known that it was going to be this way, but I had too much...